Light, Sweet Crude

When they talk about the price of oil, they always mention that the price is for light, sweet crude. I often wondered what that meant. I thought of a guy drinking a glass of oil when another guy asks, "How's that taste?" "It tastes like candy. And it doesn't fill me up, you ass-faced motherf*&%er." That's what I thought light, sweet crude was.

Yesterday I received a call on my cell phone. It was an automatic message telling me that this was the second warning that my car warranty was about to expire. The funny thing was that I don't remember ever getting the first warning. Also, I bought my car used in 2001 and the warranty left on the vehicle lasted only another 2 months. Because it was a GM Certifed Used car then threw in an additional 3 months, so I'm pretty sure my warranty expired quite some time ago. Also also, how did they get my cell phone number? I didn't even have a cell phone when I bought the car. Also also also, I thought dialing cell phones was a no-no for sales calls. Oh well, at least somebody called me.

Be alert! America need more lerts.

I want to let you know about a fun site - www.piratesonline.com. It's run by Disney so you know it's kid-friendly. It's based on The Pirates Of The Carribean. You get to meet and work with Capt Jack Sparraw in some cases. You can play for free, but you are limited in what you can do and buy. I think the best you can do is gain 2 levels/boats/weapons, etc. Also you only get a week of full screen action. After 7 days, its reduced to a smaller window. Be warned, it is addictive. You are sent on quests such as capturing a bad guy and marooning him on an island; you can go out and sink ships of different sizes and plunder them of their treasure; You fight skeletons, alligators, giant crabs and other wildlife. If you opt to pay, you can get everything. It's about $10/month or $80 if you want to pay for a year up-front.

I'm Lowell Cooper. And I approve this message.

My Dinner With Ed

I wonder if onion/garlic flavored coffee would work?

At work yesterday, they made me give a 15 minute dissertation on the rise and fall of the Holy Roman Empire and its effect on naval lint picking machines. I didn't do so good.

I had another dream last night...
I dreampt that I was going to dinner with Ed McMahon, his son, his nephew and a childhood friend of mine named Randy. Ed said this a swanky place and that he ate there so often, he had his own table in a VIP room. We had to dress nice so I wore a bland suit and tie with a white shirt. My three compadres all wore tuxedos. As we pulled up to the "swanky" restaurant in the limo, I noticed the restaurant sign. It read "Bucky's Inn". It turns out the "swanky" restaurant was nothing more than a greasy spoon.

As we entered the restaurant, I saw a table full of other friends of mine. They were all laughing and having a great time as was the rest of the bar/grill. We were led to Ed's VIP room, which happened to be in the sub-basement next to a secondary kitchen. Ed's table was nothing more than a card table and aluminum chairs. The cook came out in his dirty, bloody apron and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. A fly was buzzing around his head.

Ed ordered first. "I'll have the vitrolica."

The other two quickly agreed. I had no idea what vitrolica was so I asked to see a menu. The cook threw a menu on the table. I picked it up and opened it. All the items were some form of vitrolica. Pepper Vitrolica; Italian Vitrolica, Mushrooms & Vinegar Vitrolica. Some of the items had pictures next to them. They all looked like fish.

I asked the cook, "Is vitrolica some kind of fish?"

He replied, "Yeah, I got fish."

"What kind of fish?"

"You know. Fish."

I ordered the fish. As we waited for our food, I asked Ed's nephew what he did for a living. Ed interrupted me with "We don't talk about his 'occupation'"

His nephew shot back "That was a long time ago. I've reformed."

I was starting to get a little nervous.

"Once a drug dealer, always a drug dealer" Ed's son said.

"Yeah," Ed agreed.

"I don't have to take this" the nephew said. He got up from the table and left. I had to move my chair to let him get by. I was afraid he was going to stick a shiv in my neck as he passed. He didn't. The food arrived at that point. I don't think my meal was fish. It was kind of like a ball of mashed potatoes with blue and red splotches on it. Everyone else was digging into their vitrolica with reckless abandon. If I didn't know better, I thought the end of the world was coming, the way they were chowing down. My alarm went off then so I don't know what was going to happen next. And I don't think I want to know.

When will I have a sex dream?

I got a catalog in the mail today from ShopPBS.org. There were DVDs that were shown on PBS for sale in it. As I was thumbing through it, one of the titles caught my eye. It was Autism: The Musical. Thinking this may be another Springtime For Hitler (look it up in Wikipedia), I read the write-up. It was actually about 5 children with autism and their relationship with their acting coach. I didn't buy the DVD.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

Another Strange Dream

I had another strange dream last night. I dreampt Roger Waters, one of the founding members of Pink Floyd, wanted to kill someone. He would've killed David Gilmore (another member of Pink Floyd with whom Roger frequently fueded with), but he thought killing David would bring too much publicity on himself, so he decided to kill 4 of my friends. Now I know what you're thinking... "Pete, you have 4 friends?"
This all happened in my kitchen. Four of my friends were in one corner. I do not know who they were because I could not see their faces very clearly. There was another person there, but again, I could not determine who it was. Roger was standing in another corner waving a silver gun, probably a .45 magnum. Roger decided that my friends were too skinny to shoot so he made them each eat a candy bar. I think they were Milky Ways and Snickers. I tried to talk Roger out of killing my friends. He started waving the gun in my direction so I stopped talking. I woke up before he could kill anyone.

What does this mean?

Here is a great insult for people living in the Detroit area:
"Oh yeah? Well your mom fucks mayors!"

10:32 AM - Time for noodles!

Some random thoughts

I saw a reality show on Comedy Central where one group had to drive around LA in a van that had 'Free Cigarettes 4 Kids' painted on the side. I thought that was funny.

Obama/Biden or McCain/Palin. Who's a racist pig supposed to vote for now?

I have a great idea for the opening scene of the second act of a play. A guy is sorting through a shipment of volleyballs when he comes across a severed head.

Happy Labor Day! Time for noodles.

I've been busy...

Sorry I haven't blogged in some time. I've been busy watching porn documentaries.
Other than that, I haven't done anything in the month of August.

I have received many emails from you, my readers. I'll try to answer some of the questions you asked me now.

Yes; Yes; No; Invisibility; Only when I urinate; and Hyperion, moon of Saturn.

There, I hope I answered all your questions. Keep writing! I enjoy reading your comments.

Now I must go and feed the ostrich, if you know what I mean.