Blah Blah Blah...

Sometimes I wish I was a monkey. Then I could fling around my own poo without having to worry about what other people thought because, hey, monkey.

I had a dream the other day. Come to think about it, it was night, not day...
I dreamt I was camping in the woods. I was hiking on a trail when I came across Adam West, TV's Batman. He was busy choking a small woodland creature. I asked him "Why are you choking that small woodland creature?" He responded, "That's just it. They're too small to fuck." I said, "You know, you don't have to fuck them." At that Mr. West dropped the small woodland creature and ran off into the woods. The small woodland creature then ran up a tree. Take that Dr. Phil.

Do you smell something?

If a clown jumped off a building, would you catch him? I would because, hey, free clown.

Eva Longoria Parker just got a divorce. Looks like ol' Lowell is back in the running. I've given up on Janice Dickenson because she hasn't returned any of my calls or emails. Just like a woman - ignoring the best thing that could ever happen to her.

Next Thursday is Thanksgiving - Remember to cook your Thanksgiving noodles - no one likes uncooked holiday noodles.

I Did My Patriotic Duty

I did my patriotic duty this past Tuesday. I exercised my right to vote. I went after work and I was voter number 318. Two years ago I was number 280 and I voted at about 4:30 PM each time. Now 2 years ago, we had a presidential election, so I was kind of surprised that my voter number was higher this year than it was back then. Maybe it was because this time they removed the venomous snakes from in front of the door. Also, I can now be called for jury duty.

California voted down a proposal to make marijuana legal. They estimated that legalizing pot would bring in an additional 1.6 Billion dollars in taxes. My only question is this - Who is 'they'? You always hear about 'They told me...' or 'They estimated...' or 'They are out to get us.'. I want to know who 'they' are. Who are 'they'? Should we be afraid of 'them'? Are 'they' good or bad? Who the hell is/are 'they'? Inquiring minds want to know.

I run around in circles as if one foot is nailed to the floor. Do you? It kinda makes me dizzy.

I visited my local Guru because I wanted to learn how to meditate. He turned me onto LSD and gave me a mantra that I could chant to help me attain inner peace - Dead Chickens Don't Shit. So if you see a guy walking down the street mumbling to himself "Dead chicken don't shit. Dead chickens don't shit..." leave him alone. He's probably had a tough day.

Keith Richards wrote a book. I believe it's called "My Life As Told To Me By Others Because I Can't Fucking Remember Anything".

DID YOU KNOW OCTOBER 22ND WAS CAPS LOCKS DAY?

It's getting close to the holidays. By that, I mean it's a couple of days past Halloween. I've already gotten about 50 catalogs in the mail - some of which I have no idea how I got on their mailing list. I have never gone hunting or smoked in my life, yet I've received catalogs for hunting knives and cigars. Now maybe because I recently bought a Toro Leaf Blower from ACE Hardware someone thought I might like some knives so that I could carve up whatever I caught with the blower. And who does yard work without puffing away on a good stogie? "Ash is good for the grass."

I remember when I was in high school and was trying to grow my first beard, my uncle gave me some advice. He told me "You need to put honey on the outside cause that pulls the whiskers out. And put chicken shit on the inside, cause that pushes." He lied.  From that point on, he was no longer my favorite uncle. And yes, I told this story to my guru before he gave me my mantra.

I must depart now, but I will leave you with this tidbit from Rodney Dangerfield, whom I believe is still dead - "We were so poor we couldn't afford tinsel for the Christmas tree. We just waited for Grampa to sneeze."

Steve Buscemi - Ugly?

I had a dream the other day. What else is new? In my dream I was my younger self, living in my parents house with my older brother. We'll call him "Hank" to protect his identity. Well, in my dream, Hank wants me to help him catalog all his posters. By UPC number. He wanted me to read the UPC number off each poster (they were conveniently located at the bottom right of each poster) and he would write them down in in a notebook. We didn't have laptops back then, so there was no such thing as Excel. And MTV was actually playing music videos. Anyway, I had to pull his posters out of a cardboard tube because that's how he stored them - rolled up in the tube. I unrolled the posters and started reading off the UPC numbers while Hank jotted them down. Then I came across a poster with a hole cut out of the middle that read "Don't Smoke - Or You May End Up Looking Like This". I asked Hank what he cut out of the poster and he told me "It was a picture of Steve Buscemi." I asked him why he cut the picture out and he told me it was because he thought Steve was ugly. I then continued to rifle though the posters as fast as I could so I could go play trucks in the back yard.

So I ask you - Is Steve Buscemi, the star of the excellent HBO series "Boardwalk Empire", ugly? Or does he just smoke too much?

All Hail Nucky Thompson. Hail Nucky!

I finally figured out what I'm going to give out on Halloween this year. BIC disposable razors. I have a beard now, so I don't need 'em. And the kids then can play 'grown-ups' with some real grown-up stuff. Last year I gave out scoops of vanilla ice cream. Oh, how I loved the expressions on their adorable, perplexed faces as the ice cream rolled off my scoop and plopped down on top of their candy. Good times.

How did you celebrate Columbus Day? I celebrated it by getting up early and going to work, Then coming home and cussing at the mailman 'cause he forgot to deliver my mail. Fun fact: Did you know Columbus actually had 4 ships when he left Portugal? One fell over the edge.

Reach for the Gusto. Gusto hasn't been felt up in awhile and he's getting kinda frisky.

Who created gravy?

Just wondering....

Who created gravy? Just think about this. Someone, somewhere said, "Hey Bill, try this thick, brown stuff that looks like liquid poo and let me know what it tastes like and if you think it'll be good poured over spuds. And also let me know if you live."

And eggs. Who would think something that comes out of a chicken's ass would be edible? I can visualize a caveman looking at a chicken and, after seeing the egg get laid say, "Hey Grog, how much you give me if I eat that? Of course it has to be cracked against a bowl and the insides must be beaten until it turns a golden color. And it must be cooked over a flame or some source of heat. And then add salt and pepper for seasoning. But I'll bet it tastes delicious. And look at that white stuff coming out of that cow. Get me a glass!"

Tony Curtis is dead. I liked him in the TV show Vegas as Philip Roth. Robert Urich (Dan Tanna) is also dead. The curse of Vegas lives on. Binzer is still alive, although he still cannot drive the T-Bird. Judy Landers (age 52) and Phyllis Davis (age 70) are also still among the living.

I've been received notifications about my high school class reunion lately. I won't tell you what year I graduated, but some of the popular songs during my 4 years of high school include Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste Of Honey, Miss You by The Rolling Stones, Heart Of Glass by Blondie, Pop Muzik by M, Rupert Holmes' classic Escape (The Pina Colada Song), Sausalito Summernight from Diesel, Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes, Rick Springfield's Jessie's Girl, Please Don't Go from KC and the Sunshine Band, Ring My Bell by Anita Ward, Hot Blooded from Foreigner, With A Little Luck by Wings, Rod Stewart's immortal Do Ya Think I'm Sexy and Funkytown by Lipps, Inc. All of the above made it to #1 on Billboard's Top 40 Chart except for Sausalito Summernight and Hot Blooded which only got to #25 and #3 respectively.

That's all for now, but don't forget to eat your vegetables as they can make you grow tall and not get cancer.

I'm Back!

It's been well over a year since I last posted. I have no excuse except for laziness. And bowel movements. I've had a lot of them lately. I even have to bring an extra pair of pants to work "just in case".

Obviously a lot has happened in the last year, so I'll try to summarize...

Nothing has changed.

Good ol' Lowell is still single with no options in sight. I still work for the same company, except it's no longer called EDS, an HP company. We were absorbed by HP, so I'm now officially an HP employee.

My dreams about Janice Dickinson have disappeared. They've been replaced by the normal sex dreams (without Janice) and the dreams where you're being chased but you can't move or scream like a little girl. And, of course, the dreams about travelling hoards of gypsies in buckwagons.

I've spent a lot of time watching TV over the past year. And I've decided that there really isn't that much good stuff on. I really wish NBC would bring back their "To Catch A Predator" shows. Those were entertaining, at least the ones that didn't include me.

Oooooo. The pain killers are starting to kick in.

The local news here in Detroit keeps getting worse and worse. Three of the nine city council members have had their homes forclosed in the past year (including the city council president). These are the people the residents of Detroit have elected (I don't live in Detroit, so I don't have a vote) to lead the city out of the crisis it is currently in. They can't even handle their own finances, how the hell can they even fathom a budget the size of a small suburb let alone a large metropolitan area? City council members make over $81,000/year. I don't know about you, but that is a lot of money in a city where you can buy a very decent house for about $120,000. This council member can't afford to pay her mortgage(she owes $169,000), condo association fees($4,000 behind) and credit card (Chase Bank is suing her for $2,200). Her husband is an executive with Strategic Staffing Solutions, so he has to be making decent money too. Where does the money go? Crack and cable TV I bet.
At least they didn't re-elect Monica Conyers (who just went to jail for 37 months for accepting bribes while a member of the council in 2008).

Aaaagh! Will it ever end?

Robin - "We could have been killed Batman!"
Batman - "Or worse, Robin. Or worse."