My Life And Other Random Thoughts

I'm Getting Old

2011-03-14T20:08:00.008-04:00

I'm getting old.

It's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to fart because, you know, who knows what might come out of there. Hell, I'm even afraid to walk fast. My treadmill, if I had one, would be used as a pseudo Christmas tree - ornaments hanging from the handle and a white rug (with the phrase "Merry Christmas" written in spilled red wine) tossed over the bottom portion. I would even rather belch than risk a fart at this point. Where has all the fun gone?

I'm getting old.

I really like the smell of IcyHot. Kinda reminds me of Ben Gay and candy cigarettes. But for the love of God and all that is holy, do not rub Ben Gay on your ass and stuff a candy cigarette up your bunghole and then try to fart. Trust me on this one.

I'm getting old.

I make the old man noise when I get out of a chair. Sometimes I forget things like what day it is and that I'm not supposed to kill.

I'm getting old.

I like watching 60 Minutes. Andy Rooney makes some good points.

I'm getting old.

I have more hair in my nose and ears than on my head. I have a theory on that - Hair gets lazy as you get older and it can't quite make it to the top of your head so it stops in the nose and ears. I think I'll let my ear hair grow and use it as a comb-over.

I'm getting old. But I still like fart jokes. Did I tell you the one about the Ben Gay and candy cigarettes?
I did? I'm getting old.

9:07 PM - Time for Hot Pockets!

Blah Blah Blah...

2010-11-20T18:45:00.006-05:00

Sometimes I wish I was a monkey. Then I could fling around my own poo without having to worry about what other people thought because, hey, monkey.

I had a dream the other day. Come to think about it, it was night, not day...
I dreamt I was camping in the woods. I was hiking on a trail when I came across Adam West, TV's Batman. He was busy choking a small woodland creature. I asked him "Why are you choking that small woodland creature?" He responded, "That's just it. They're too small to fuck." I said, "You know, you don't have to fuck them." At that Mr. West dropped the small woodland creature and ran off into the woods. The small woodland creature then ran up a tree. Take that Dr. Phil.

Do you smell something?

If a clown jumped off a building, would you catch him? I would because, hey, free clown.

Eva Longoria Parker just got a divorce. Looks like ol' Lowell is back in the running. I've given up on Janice Dickenson because she hasn't returned any of my calls or emails. Just like a woman - ignoring the best thing that could ever happen to her.

Next Thursday is Thanksgiving - Remember to cook your Thanksgiving noodles - no one likes uncooked holiday noodles.

I Did My Patriotic Duty

2010-11-06T18:26:00.006-04:00

I did my patriotic duty this past Tuesday. I exercised my right to vote. I went after work and I was voter number 318. Two years ago I was number 280 and I voted at about 4:30 PM each time. Now 2 years ago, we had a presidential election, so I was kind of surprised that my voter number was higher this year than it was back then. Maybe it was because this time they removed the venomous snakes from in front of the door. Also, I can now be called for jury duty.

California voted down a proposal to make marijuana legal. They estimated that legalizing pot would bring in an additional 1.6 Billion dollars in taxes. My only question is this - Who is 'they'? You always hear about 'They told me...' or 'They estimated...' or 'They are out to get us.'. I want to know who 'they' are. Who are 'they'? Should we be afraid of 'them'? Are 'they' good or bad? Who the hell is/are 'they'? Inquiring minds want to know.

I run around in circles as if one foot is nailed to the floor. Do you? It kinda makes me dizzy.

I visited my local Guru because I wanted to learn how to meditate. He turned me onto LSD and gave me a mantra that I could chant to help me attain inner peace - Dead Chickens Don't Shit. So if you see a guy walking down the street mumbling to himself "Dead chicken don't shit. Dead chickens don't shit..." leave him alone. He's probably had a tough day.

Keith Richards wrote a book. I believe it's called "My Life As Told To Me By Others Because I Can't Fucking Remember Anything".

DID YOU KNOW OCTOBER 22ND WAS CAPS LOCKS DAY?

It's getting close to the holidays. By that, I mean it's a couple of days past Halloween. I've already gotten about 50 catalogs in the mail - some of which I have no idea how I got on their mailing list. I have never gone hunting or smoked in my life, yet I've received catalogs for hunting knives and cigars. Now maybe because I recently bought a Toro Leaf Blower from ACE Hardware someone thought I might like some knives so that I could carve up whatever I caught with the blower. And who does yard work without puffing away on a good stogie? "Ash is good for the grass."

I remember when I was in high school and was trying to grow my first beard, my uncle gave me some advice. He told me "You need to put honey on the outside cause that pulls the whiskers out. And put chicken shit on the inside, cause that pushes." From that point on, he was no longer my favorite uncle. And yes, I told this story to my guru before he gave me my mantra.

I must depart now, but I will leave you with this tidbit from Rodney Dangerfield, whom I believe is still dead - "We were so poor we couldn't afford tinsel for the Christmas tree. We just waited for Grampa to sneeze."

Steve Buscemi - Ugly?

2010-10-15T22:23:00.003-04:00

I had a dream the other day. What else is new? In my dream I was my younger self, living in my parents house with my older brother. We'll call him "Hank" to protect his identity. Well, in my dream, Hank wants me to help him catalog all his posters. By UPC number. He wanted me to read the UPC number off each poster (they were conveniently located at the bottom right of each poster) and he would write them down in in a notebook. We didn't have laptops back then, so there was no such thing as Excel. And MTV was actually playing music videos. Anyway, I had to pull his posters out of a cardboard tube because that's how he stored them - rolled up in the tube. I unrolled the posters and started reading off the UPC numbers while Hank jotted them down. Then I came across a poster with a hold cut out of the middle that read "Don't Smoke - Or You May End Up Looking Like This". I asked Hank what he cut out of the poster and he told me "It was a picture of Steve Buscemi." I asked him why he cut the picture out and he told me it was because he thought Steve was ugly. I then continued to rifle though the posters as fast as I could so I could go play trucks in the back yard.

So I ask you - Is Steve Buscemi, the star of the excellent HBO series "Boardwalk Empire", ugly? Or does he just smoke too much?

All Hail Nucky Thompson. Hail Nucky!

I finally figured out what I'm going to give out on Halloween this year. BIC disposable razors. I have a beard now, so I don't need 'em. And the kids then can play 'grown-ups' with some real grown-up stuff. Last year I gave out scoops of vanilla ice cream. Oh, how I loved the expressions on their adorable, perplexed faces as the ice cream rolled off my scoop and plopped down on top of their candy. Good times.

How did you celebrate Columbus Day? I celebrated it by getting up early and going to work, Then coming home and cussing at the mailman 'cause he forgot to deliver my mail. Fun fact: Did you know Columbus actually had 4 ships when he left Portugal? One fell over the edge.

Reach for the Gusto. Gusto hasn't been felt up in awhile and he's getting kinda frisky.

Who created gravy?

2010-10-02T01:27:00.004-04:00

Just wondering....

Who created gravy? Just think about this. Someone, somewhere said, "Hey Bill, try this thick, brown stuff that looks like liquid poo and let me know what it tastes like and if you think it'll be good poured over spuds. And also let me know if you live."

And eggs. Who would think something that comes out of a chicken's ass would be edible? I can visualize a caveman looking at a chicken and, after seeing the egg get laid say, "Hey Grog, how much you give me if I eat that? Of course it has to be cracked against a bowl and the insides must be beaten until it turns a golden color. And it must be cooked over a flame or some source of heat. And then add salt and pepper for seasoning. But I'll bet it tastes delicious. And look at that white stuff coming out of that cow. Get me a glass!"

Tony Curtis is dead. I liked him in the TV show Vegas as Philip Roth. Robert Urich (Dan Tanna) is also dead. The curse of Vegas lives on. Binzer is still alive, although he still cannot drive the T-Bird. Judy Landers (age 52) and Phyllis Davis (age 70) are also still among the living.

I've been received notifications about my high school class reunion lately. I won't tell you what year I graduated, but some of the popular songs during my 4 years of high school include Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste Of Honey, Miss You by The Rolling Stones, Heart Of Glass by Blondie, Pop Muzik by M, Rupert Holmes' classic Escape (The Pina Colada Song), Sausalito Summernight from Diesel, Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes, Rick Springfield's Jessie's Girl, Please Don't Go from KC and the Sunshine Band, Ring My Bell by Anita Ward, Hot Blooded from Foreigner, With A Little Luck by Wings, Rod Stewart's immortal Do Ya Think I'm Sexy and Funkytown by Lipps, Inc. All of the above made it to #1 on Billboard's Top 40 Chart except for Sausalito Summernight and Hot Blooded which only got to #25 and #3 respectively.

That's all for now, but don't forget to eat your vegetables as they can make you grow tall and not get cancer.

I'm Back!

2010-09-16T22:28:00.003-04:00

It's been well over a year since I last posted. I have no excuse except for laziness. And bowel movements. I've had a lot of them lately. I even have to bring an extra pair of pants to work "just in case".

Obviously a lot has happened in the last year, so I'll try to summarize...

Nothing has changed.

Good ol' Lowell is still single with no options in sight. I still work for the same company, except it's no longer called EDS, an HP company. We were absorbed by HP, so I'm now officially an HP employee.

My dreams about Janice Dickinson have disappeared. They've been replaced by the normal sex dreams (without Janice) and the dreams where you're being chased but you can't move or scream like a little girl. And, of course, the dreams about travelling hoards of gypsies in buckwagons.

I've spent a lot of time watching TV over the past year. And I've decided that there really isn't that much good stuff on. I really wish NBC would bring back their "To Catch A Predator" shows. Those were entertaining, at least the ones that didn't include me.

Oooooo. The pain killers are starting to kick in.

The local news here in Detroit keeps getting worse and worse. Three of the nine city council members have had their homes forclosed in the past year (including the city council president). These are the people the residents of Detroit have elected (I don't live in Detroit, so I don't have a vote) to lead the city out of the crisis it is currently in. They can't even handle their own finances, how the hell can they even fathom a budget the size of a small suburb let alone a large metropolitan area? City council members make over $81,000/year. I don't know about you, but that is a lot of money in a city where you can buy a very decent house for about $120,000. This council member can't afford to pay her mortgage(she owes $169,000), condo association fees($4,000 behind) and credit card (Chase Bank is suing her for $2,200). Her husband is an executive with Strategic Staffing Solutions, so he has to be making decent money too. Where does the money go? Crack and cable TV I bet.
At least they didn't re-elect Monica Conyers (who just went to jail for 37 months for accepting bribes while a member of the council in 2008).

Aaaagh! Will it ever end?

Robin - "We could have been killed Batman!"
Batman - "Or worse, Robin. Or worse."

Is it over yet?

2009-05-07T22:07:00.004-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, but I've been very busy. What with work, sleeping, eating and TV there just isn't time to blog, let alone wipe my ass after I crap.

Well Detroit just elected a new temporary mayor to replace the previous temporary mayor who replaced the disgraced mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. Dave Bing, former Detroit Piston basketball star beat out Ken Cockrel Jr for the post. Ken Cockrel became mayor when Kwame Kilpatrick pleaded guilty to 2 felony counts of obstruction of justice in a whistleblower case. He and his mistress Christine Beatty, his chief of staff at the time, both lied about having an affair during the trial. Text messages proved this fact along with the fact that they conspired to fire the police officer investigating an "alleged" wild party at the mayor's residence - the Manoogian Mansion. The Detroit city charter states that the president of the Detroit City Council becomes mayor if the mayor can not finish his term. Ken Cockrel Jr was the president of city council at the time. Now that Dave Bing has become mayor, Ken Cockrel Jr is expected to resume his job as city council president. However, current city council president Monica Conyers is putting up a stink about it. The city charter states that the president of city council becomes mayor until a new mayor is elected. The implication is that the interim mayor would return to city council when the new mayor is elected. However, Mrs. Conyers says that since the charter does not specifically spell out this situation, then she should remain president. And Ken Cockrel Jr is out of a job.

Monica Conyers is a nutcase.

Go to www.youtube.com and search for Monica Conyers and you'll find several videos of her antics on city council. Side note - search for Barbara Rose Collins as well. She's a real hoot when she sings Onward Christian Soldiers during a council meeting.

Also, my workforce agreement with EDS, an HP Company ends on May 31st. So I may be drunk the rest of the month. With GM in such dire straits, no one is safe from the bitch slap of Father Fate. I have no idea what that means.

GM CEO Fritz Henderson today and in his previous job as Sergeant John Taggert in the Beverly Hills Cop movies.

What was I thinking?

2009-03-08T00:15:00.002-05:00

I thought about a lot of thing while I was growing up...

When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would respond with "I want to be a Nielson Family" because I thought they got paid to watch TV.

I always heard on the news about people getting robbed at gunpoint, or having their cars taken at gunpoint. And I wondered... Why do people keep going to Gunpoint? Bad things always seem to happen at Gunpoint.

I've never understood what an unretouched photo is.

Once upon a time there were 2 Chinese. Now look how many.

After all this, it finally dawned on me - I'm stupid.

Why won't Janice Dickenson call me? By now she must know that I'm head-over-heels infatuated with her.

BTW - Entering 'Snake wine bottles' at www.google.com will not bring up this web site.

Another Celebrity Dream...

2009-02-27T23:52:00.009-05:00

Here's another dream I had recently.

I was out golfing with Triple H as my partner. For those of you who do not know who Triple H is, he is a wrestler with the WWE (that's World Wrestling Entertainment for the literate people out there). Anyway, we would come up to each tee and park behind the carts of the foursome currently teeing off. Triple H would then get out of the cart (he was driving) and sneak up on the other carts. He would then open a valve that would allow all the electricity to leak out of their batteries (anything can happen in a dream). After the foursome would finish their tee shots, we would take off, laughing at them. We would then drive up to where their shots landed and whack the balls way off to the side, continuing with our devious laughter. And pointing at the hapless golfers who couldn't get their carts moving. Then we'd move on to the next tee and do the same thing all over again.

I didn't say it was an interesting dream.

I'm hoping for another Janice Dickenson dream tonight.

It's almost after midnight on a Friday during Lent. Fire up the grill, we're cookin' dead cows!

Really? Janice Dickenson?

2009-02-19T21:59:00.009-05:00

I had another weird dream last night. I dreampt that I was sleeping and the phone rang at 4:30 AM. My brother answered the phone, which was odd because he lives in Arizona and I live in Michigan. Anyway, he hands me the phone and says, "It's for you" and he goes back to bed.

"Hello," I stammered, still half asleep.

"Where are you? You're supposed to be here by now," was the reply.

"Who is this?" I asked.

"It's Janice Dickenson, the world's first supermodel. Your cats have a commercial shoot today and they were supposed to be here by 4 AM."

"I don't know anything about this." And with that, I hung up the phone and went back to sleep.

My cats woke me right at that point. So what does the dream mean? I have no clue. But if Janice Dickenson calls me again tonight, I'll invite her over for a couple of drinks because she's a hot lookin' woman.

And, hey, boys and girls, don't down dramamine with whiskey. Use vodka.

I saw this and thought it was soooo funny...

2009-01-31T12:25:00.000-05:00

histoire de photocopie...mdr
Uploaded by zemila

Did you hear the one about...

2009-01-21T20:31:00.004-05:00

So these two cannibals are munching on a clown when one cannibal says to the other, "This clown tastes like shit. He must have been an asshole."

I like banana bread.

My doctor said that my potassium levels are too high and I need to cut back on foods high in potassium. I thought he said possum. I told him I had no problem cutting back on foods that are high in possum. He laughed at me. I was serious. It wasn't until 15 minutes later that I understood what he said. I then laughed at me.

Hope you don't eat too many foods high in possum.

"Smiles, everyone. Smiles."

How often has this happened to you?

2009-01-11T19:49:00.005-05:00

Have you ever come home from work, sat on the couch and soon find yourself in a puddle of warm urine? I have. And I'm not talking about a bladder control problem either. I'm talking laziness. I gotta tell you, many's the time I needed to take a whiz but I was just too lazy to get off my ass. So I pissed myself. Luckily, I purchased an industrial strength bottle of Febreeze. That way, my sofa cushions stay minty fresh.

Mmmmm... Pumpkin bread.

"New" Game For Adults

2008-12-27T23:15:00.009-05:00

This past Christmas Day I visited some friends. As is wont to happen, the women gravitated to the kitchen and the men lounged in the living room. And as a man in the living room, the conversation eventually led to the old question, Ginger or Mary Ann? And Why?

Well, we expanded on this topic by bringing up other famous actresses, such as Loni Anderson/Lynda Carter; Jessica Simpson/Carrie Underwood; etc. This went on for several hours and was very amusing, to say the least. However, we ran into several issues along the way. Such as if an actress/singer spanned several decades, what would be considered their prime? Example: Cher. Some thought her prime was in the early/mid 70's. Other's thought it was around the Turn Back Time video. In that regard, I've come up with some rules.

1) When suggesting 2 or more candidates, they must be of the opposite sex. For example: in a gathering of men, you cannot bring up Mr. French or Mr. Belvedere.
2) When specifying a famous woman, the 'prime' of that woman's career will be the defining moment for your decision.
3) When suggesting a famous woman whose career spans several years/decades, you can limit the term. For instance, you can nominate Sally Field. If you don't specify the time period, then the 'prime' for Sally Field can come from any era. That means, you can think of Sally Field from Gidget, from The Flying Nun, from Smokey & The Bandit, or from Brothers & Sisters. If the term is specified, such as "Sally Field from the Smokey & The Bandit years" then you must limit your imagination to that period.
4) Bea Arthur always loses. Even against Mr. French.

This can be adopted for the women in the kitchen as well. Trust me, the men in the living room will not be offended.

If you can think of any other rules, please let me know and I will post them here.

As far as I know, there is no offical name for this game, so I would like to suggest "Boinkers".

I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas noodles.

New Year's is just around the corner.

Mr. Al Gore, Please Come To Michigan

2008-12-20T23:37:00.002-05:00

To: Mr. Al Gore
From: Lowell Cooper
Re: That whole global warming thingee
Date: A day after a huge snowfall

Mr. Al Gore,

I understand you're concerned about global warming. Well, I just shovelled 10" of your global warming from my driveway and sidewalk. We here in Michigan could see upwards of 20" of snowfall before Christmas. I don't think we've ever had this much snow before Christmas since I've moved to Michigan some 23 years ago.

Mr. Al Gore, please come to Michigan and try to convince me that global warming is real, because right about now, I don't believe it. Maybe Michigan is in some kind of funky space-time continuum where global warming ceases to exist. Or maybe Michigan has drifted farther north than what was originally thought. Or maybe the curse the old gypsy put on me after I peed on her crystal ball is real. You know the curse - "Wherever you go, it will be cold. Colder than the tip of the iceberg. Colder than Lambeau Field in December. Colder than the heart of a Republican discussing abortion. Colder than Leona Helmsley's corpse. You shall never again feel warmth." That would definitely explain why I couldn't feel anything when I accidentally caught on fire the other day. Luckily it was at work and my co-workers were able to put out the fire. However, they did take several minutes to discuss whether or not they should and that bothered me a little.

Anyway, in case I don't post before Christmas, everyone have a Happy Holiday season and don't forget: Christmastime is noodle time. Enjoy your holiday noodles.

Crass Commercialization Of Christmas

2008-11-27T14:20:00.003-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, but I didn't have anything interesting to rant about. That is, until now.

When did Christmas begin before Halloween? It seems stores are advertising for Christmas earlier and earlier every year. The K-Mart by me had Christmas trees and yard ornaments such as reindeer and santas for sale long before Halloween. Has a law been established that states every holiday officially begins 2 holidays earlier? Christmas begins at Halloween. Thanksgiving begins at Labor Day. Halloween begins at July 4th. And would this include the minor holidays such as Arbor Day, Sweetest Day and Presidents' Day? You know, the days that aren't national holidays?

And where does the time go? It seems like it was just 2 hours ago when I started watching the Lions/Titans football game here on Thanksgiving. Now I see the final score is 35-10. What? That's the halftime score? Holy crap! Did you know that the Lions did not sell out the Thanksgiving game by the official time of 12:30 PM on Monday? But since they had about 1,000 tickets left, the NFL gave them an extra 24 hours to sell out since there was a reasonable chance they could sell those tickets. Unfortunately, they sold those tickets and we're forced to watch the game instead of interesting infomercials.

Oh well, guess I'll have to suffer like the rest of the country. Enjoy your Thanksgiving noodles. I know I will.

Light, Sweet Crude

2008-10-10T17:45:00.002-04:00

When they talk about the price of oil, they always mention that the price is for light, sweet crude. I often wondered what that meant. I thought of a guy drinking a glass of oil when another guy asks, "How's that taste?" "It tastes like candy. And it doesn't fill me up, you ass-faced motherf*&%er." That's what I thought light, sweet crude was.

Yesterday I received a call on my cell phone. It was an automatic message telling me that this was the second warning that my car warranty was about to expire. The funny thing was that I don't remember ever getting the first warning. Also, I bought my car used in 2001 and the warranty left on the vehicle lasted only another 2 months. Because it was a GM Certifed Used car then threw in an additional 3 months, so I'm pretty sure my warranty expired quite some time ago. Also also, how did they get my cell phone number? I didn't even have a cell phone when I bought the car. Also also also, I thought dialing cell phones was a no-no for sales calls. Oh well, at least somebody called me.

Be alert! America need more lerts.

I want to let you know about a fun site - www.piratesonline.com. It's run by Disney so you know it's kid-friendly. It's based on The Pirates Of The Carribean. You get to meet and work with Capt Jack Sparraw in some cases. You can play for free, but you are limited in what you can do and buy. I think the best you can do is gain 2 levels/boats/weapons, etc. Also you only get a week of full screen action. After 7 days, its reduced to a smaller window. Be warned, it is addictive. You are sent on quests such as capturing a bad guy and marooning him on an island; you can go out and sink ships of different sizes and plunder them of their treasure; You fight skeletons, alligators, giant crabs and other wildlife. If you opt to pay, you can get everything. It's about $10/month or $80 if you want to pay for a year up-front.

I'm Lowell Cooper. And I approve this message.

My Dinner With Ed

2008-09-17T19:45:00.008-04:00

I wonder if onion/garlic flavored coffee would work?

At work yesterday, they made me give a 15 minute dissertation on the rise and fall of the Holy Roman Empire and its effect on naval lint picking machines. I didn't do so good.

I had another dream last night...
I dreampt that I was going to dinner with Ed McMahon, his son, his nephew and a childhood friend of mine named Randy. Ed said this a swanky place and that he ate there so often, he had his own table in a VIP room. We had to dress nice so I wore a bland suit and tie with a white shirt. My three compadres all wore tuxedos. As we pulled up to the "swanky" restaurant in the limo, I noticed the restaurant sign. It read "Bucky's Inn". It turns out the "swanky" restaurant was nothing more than a greasy spoon.

As we entered the restaurant, I saw a table full of other friends of mine. They were all laughing and having a great time as was the rest of the bar/grill. We were led to Ed's VIP room, which happened to be in the sub-basement next to a secondary kitchen. Ed's table was nothing more than a card table and aluminum chairs. The cook came out in his dirty, bloody apron and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. A fly was buzzing around his head.

Ed ordered first. "I'll have the vitrolica."

The other two quickly agreed. I had no idea what vitrolica was so I asked to see a menu. The cook threw a menu on the table. I picked it up and opened it. All the items were some form of vitrolica. Pepper Vitrolica; Italian Vitrolica, Mushrooms & Vinegar Vitrolica. Some of the items had pictures next to them. They all looked like fish.

I asked the cook, "Is vitrolica some kind of fish?"

He replied, "Yeah, I got fish."

"What kind of fish?"

"You know. Fish."

I ordered the fish. As we waited for our food, I asked Ed's nephew what he did for a living. Ed interrupted me with "We don't talk about his 'occupation'"

His nephew shot back "That was a long time ago. I've reformed."

I was starting to get a little nervous.

"Once a drug dealer, always a drug dealer" Ed's son said.

"Yeah," Ed agreed.

"I don't have to take this" the nephew said. He got up from the table and left. I had to move my chair to let him get by. I was afraid he was going to stick a shiv in my neck as he passed. He didn't. The food arrived at that point. I don't think my meal was fish. It was kind of like a ball of mashed potatoes with blue and red splotches on it. Everyone else was digging into their vitrolica with reckless abandon. If I didn't know better, I thought the end of the world was coming, the way they were chowing down. My alarm went off then so I don't know what was going to happen next. And I don't think I want to know.

When will I have a sex dream?

I got a catalog in the mail today from ShopPBS.org. There were DVDs that were shown on PBS for sale in it. As I was thumbing through it, one of the titles caught my eye. It was Autism: The Musical. Thinking this may be another Springtime For Hitler (look it up in Wikipedia), I read the write-up. It was actually about 5 children with autism and their relationship with their acting coach. I didn't buy the DVD.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

Another Strange Dream

2008-09-05T10:32:00.005-04:00

I had another strange dream last night. I dreampt Roger Waters, one of the founding members of Pink Floyd, wanted to kill someone. He would've killed David Gilmore (another member of Pink Floyd with whom Roger frequently fueded with), but he thought killing David would bring too much publicity on himself, so he decided to kill 4 of my friends. Now I know what you're thinking... "Pete, you have 4 friends?"
This all happened in my kitchen. Four of my friends were in one corner. I do not know who they were because I could not see their faces very clearly. There was another person there, but again, I could not determine who it was. Roger was standing in another corner waving a silver gun, probably a .45 magnum. Roger decided that my friends were too skinny to shoot so he made them each eat a candy bar. I think they were Milky Ways and Snickers. I tried to talk Roger out of killing my friends. He started waving the gun in my direction so I stopped talking. I woke up before he could kill anyone.

What does this mean?

Here is a great insult for people living in the Detroit area:
"Oh yeah? Well your mom fucks mayors!"

10:32 AM - Time for noodles!

Some random thoughts

2008-09-01T12:58:00.004-04:00

I saw a reality show on Comedy Central where one group had to drive around LA in a van that had 'Free Cigarettes 4 Kids' painted on the side. I thought that was funny.

Obama/Biden or McCain/Palin. Who's a racist pig supposed to vote for now?

I have a great idea for the opening scene of the second act of a play. A guy is sorting through a shipment of volleyballs when he comes across a severed head.

Happy Labor Day! Time for noodles.

I've been busy...

2008-08-25T20:15:00.002-04:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in some time. I've been busy watching porn documentaries.
Other than that, I haven't done anything in the month of August.

I have received many emails from you, my readers. I'll try to answer some of the questions you asked me now.

Yes; Yes; No; Invisibility; Only when I urinate; and Hyperion, moon of Saturn.

There, I hope I answered all your questions. Keep writing! I enjoy reading your comments.

Now I must go and feed the ostrich, if you know what I mean.

Lowell Is Back!

2008-07-30T19:38:00.002-04:00

Well, I;ve finally got around to writing about my golf weekend. I would've written on Monday, but I had a hard time getting out of bed (or off the sofa once I awoke). Yesterday, I still had a lot of porn to download so I decided to wait until today.

I played an awful lot of golf last weekend. 18 holes on Thursday; 36 on Friday; 36 on Saturday and another 18 on Sunday. And, boy did I swing a lot - and not just on the golf course, he he he. I'm kidding of course, except for the traditional Saturday night anal raping of all new participants. And, unless you go first or second, it's just not all that much fun anymore.

Anyway, on to the golf. Thursday's round was my best of the weekend. I shot a 105 which is very good for me. Friday morning was a different story. We played the Gailes, a Scottish style course similar to the one played in the British Open. I don't remember what I got, but I do know it was a lot. Then we played a 2-man scramble Friday afternoon and my partner and I shot a 16 over par - not very good. Saturday morning was another disaster as I shot around a 130 on the same course I had the 105 on Thursday. Saturday afternoon was a 4-man scramble and we shot an even par round. We only had 2 birdies and 2 bogies. I did drain a putt that was about 60 feet (this will get longer each time I tell it) long and up an embankment. That was our first birdie and it came on the hardest hole of the course. We finished in third place. First place came in at 4 or 5 under par. Saturday night we ate at the course and had a very good meal. Choices were between steak, perch and smothered chicken. I chose the perch and it was very good. After dinner we played Texas Hold-Em (there was no anal rape - I was making a little joke). I didn't last long. I lost a hand with pocket Queens (the winner had 2 pair) and then went all in on the very next hand with pocket Jacks. I lost to a pair of Kings. I decided not to re-buy in because of the consecutive losses. I had to retire to the "row of losers" - a line of chairs away from the table from which to observe the rest of the game. Sunday morning we played the Gailes again and I did just about as bad as I did on Friday morning.

I had a weird dream last night. I dreampt that most of my friends had decided that I was no longer necessary and that I should be killed. But they didn't want to kill me themselves, so they decided to frame me for murder and hope I got the death sentence. One of my friends, I'll call him Barnabas, when into hiding. The rest of them told the police that I had an argument with Barnabas and that I must have killed him. I had to go on the lam. As the police began to get close, I decided that I wasn't going to go quietly. So I went back, found Barnabas, and shot him in the head. That way my death sentence would be legitimate. The police caught me and I was sent to death row without a trial because, obviously, I did it. I woke up before my execution. Analyze that, Dr. Phil! I read somewhere that you can never die in your dreams. That if you do die, you will die in real life. Interesting.

Medicine time! Oh Boy!

Things I Have Thought About....

2008-07-20T18:50:00.012-04:00

What happens when you down valium with Red Bull?

Would you go to an eye doctor that wears glasses?

Would you eat at a restaurant that had a skinny cook?

In other news, there appears to be a grassroots campaign to nominate me, Lowell Cooper, for President of these here United States. Here's a news broadcast:

I do want to let everyone know, if nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve. However, I bet it would be a great opening line. "Hey there. My name's Lowell. I'm President. Of the United States. Want to go back to my place and I'll chase you around the Oval Office? Then we can 'do it' on the Presidential Seal."
Maybe I will take the office if elected. Who knows? It could happen.

I'm going on a golf vacation for the next 4 days so don't expect any ramblings from me until I get back. I'm sure I'll have some stories from the weekend. But they may be somewhat homosexual in nature. I'll try to clean them up for the kiddies.

Also, I litter.

Right now I need to go take my 80-proof medication.

Some Thoughts About Death

2008-07-15T20:55:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking about death recently. Mainly because I'm coming closer to it with the passing of each and every day.

Have you noticed that more and more photos are accompanying death notice in the newspapers? Some of these pictures are obviously not of the current variety. "Georgia Baxter passed away last Sunday after a long battle with an illness. She was 97." And the associated picture is of someone who is 30-something. I think there should be a law that, if you want to post a picture, it has to be taken after the person died. "Phil McKracken passed away last night. He was mauled by bears." You probably wouldn't see many pictures after that law is passed.

If there is an after-life, what will you look like when you get there? Will you look the same as the day you died? Or will you look like the age when you thought you were the hottest looking thing on the planet? What if it was the latter? And then you meet someone. And you start spooning and everything. And then you find out it's your mom (or your dad if you're a chick). But then, wouldn't your mom or dad know what you looked like when you were at your hottest? Damn, I don't want to think about this anymore. My head hurts.

I need a drink.

Sunday, July 13th

2008-07-13T19:04:00.006-04:00

Today is July 13th, the day before Bastille Day (July 14th).

"Hey Lowell," you ask "What exactly is Bastille Day?"

Well, have a seat and let ol' Uncle Lowell tell you a story...

On May 5th 1789, Louis XVI convened the Estates-General to hear their grievances. The deputies of the Third Estate representing the common people (the two others were clergy and nobility) decided to break away and form a National Assembly. On June 20th the deputies of the Third Estate took the Tennis Court Oath, swearing not to separate until a constitution had been established. They were gradually joined by delegates of the other estates; Louis started to recognize their validity on June 27th. The assembly re-named itself the National Constituent Assembly on July 9th, and began to function as a legislature and to draft a constitution.

In the wake of the July 11th dismissal of the royal finance minister Jacques Necker, the people of Paris, fearful that they and their representatives would be attacked by the royal military, and seeking to gain arms for the general populace, stormed the Bastille, a prison which had often held people jailed on the basis of lettre de cachet, arbitrary royal indictments that could not be appealed. Besides holding a large cache of arms, the Bastille had been known for holding political prisoners whose writings had displeased the royal government, and was thus a symbol of the absolutism of the monarchy. As it happened, at the time of the siege in July 1789 there were only seven inmates, none of great political significance.

When the crowd (legend says it was organised by descendants of Knights Templar)— eventually reinforced by mutinous gardes françaises — proved a fair match for the fort's defenders, the commander of the Bastille, Governor de Launay capitulated and opened the gates to avoid a mutual massacre. However, possibly because of a misunderstanding, fighting resumed. Ninety-eight attackers and just one defender died in the actual fighting, but in the aftermath, De Launay and seven other defenders were killed, as was the 'prévôt es marchands' (roughly, mayor) Jacques de Flesselles.

The storming of the Bastille was more important as a rallying point and symbolic act of rebellion than a practical act of defiance.

Shortly after the storming of the Bastille, on August 4th feudalism was abolished and on August 26th, the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen was proclaimed.

Also. on July 14th 1958, a revolution in Iraq overthrew the monarchy creating National Day.

July 14th is also the birthday of Gerald R. Ford, Harry Dean Stanton, Vincent Pastore (Big Pussy on the Sopranos), and British actor Terry-Thomas (whose picture is at the top of this post) who died in 1990.

I had an unusual dream last night. I dreamt I was watching TV when a political commercial came on. It was just a picture of a high school student against a blue/white background. He said "Hi. I'm running for Senior Class President. I have a grade point average of 4." Then the camera pans back, widens it's view and darkens the student. From the right side I come into view. I say, "Hi. I'm running for Senior Class President. I have a grade point average of 1. I can only add when I sit in the back of the Mighty Tonka". At which point I hold up a yellow toy dump truck. I woke up laughing. And had blood coming out of my nose.

I hope a great week is had by all.

You May Have Wondered Where I've Been...

2008-07-11T20:59:00.003-04:00

I've been lying low since the following happened, just to be on the safe side.

Yes, just like Barbara Rose-Collins (picture on right - in tiara and mu-mu), I was visited by the Feds early one morning recently. Luckily, I put on a robe before answering the door as I had been sleeping in the nude. They showed up without warning and left after only about 15 minutes. They told me that they have tapes of several men discussing that I was angry with them about the fact that I had not yet been bribed about the Synagro sludge deal. One of the men said that there was no problem, that I had been taken care of. Obviously, this was done to frame me. I told the Feds that I received no money whatsoever to influence my vote, of which I have none. I am not a resident of the fine City of Detroit, so I cannot even run for city counsel. However, I work in the city so I do pay non-resident city taxes. And I can't vote or run for City government positions. That really sucks. Isn't that what we went to war with England about back in the mid 1770's? Taxation without representation? Maybe I should declare war with Detroit. I could probably win. The citizens of Detroit don't seem to care who's in charge anyway.

Anyway, I am not a target. The Feds told me so. I'm letting you know about this before the newpapers get ahold of it. That way it looks like I'm not guilty. I have nothing to hide. If the Feds come back, I'll freely talk to them without benefit of a lawyer. I'm that confident that they won't find anything out.

I'm really drunk right now.

The Day After Woosiepalooza

2008-07-05T16:02:00.003-04:00

Woosiepalooza was a rounding success. There was croquet. There was basketball. There was a pool. There was a water balloon fight. There were hot dogs and hamburgers. There was fireworks.

And there was badmitton.

Not your ordinary badmitton, mind you. This game was set up so anyone could play, regardless of your age, health or state of inebriation. There are 6 players on each side. Normally having 6 people with rackets aiming at a shuttlecock flying thru the air is a prescription for injury. However, there was a caveat that made 6 on a side possible. And that caveat would be lawnchairs. Yes, lawnchairs. Everyone must sit in a lawnchair and their butt cannot leave the chair while the shuttlecock is in play. The lawnchairs are positioned 3 in the front and 3 in the back (if you want a lot of action, make sure you sit in the middle chair of either row). Now this may not sound like a lot of fun, but you can play with a racket in one hand and a drink in the other and not have to worry about spillage. We also took a few liberties with the rules. Normally, the game is played with only 1 or 2 people on each side. Our rules allowed 12 people to play at once. We allowed 3 hits per side to get the shuttlecock over the net instead of just one hit. I'd say 95% of the time it was hit over with just one hit. Also, you could only get a point if you served. And we only played to 15 instead of 21.

I left Woosiepalooza at 10:30, near the end of the fireworks. I wanted to get home before the local fireworks near my house concluded. There is a lot of construction in the area and most of the side streets have barracades to prevent access to the main road (where the construction is located). That was going to make leaving the fireworks a massive traffic problem. And I would be the one person going in while everyone else was coming out, so I wanted to get home before that happened. I beat the end of the fireworks by about 5 minutes. Both of my cats were off hiding because of all the boom-boom.

I did not have an alcoholic drink at all yesterday. That may not be the case today.

Vacation Day 5

2008-07-04T12:21:00.004-04:00

Happy 4th of July all!

I'll be going to Woosiepalooza shortly. I don't have much to say right now. Depending on what time I get home, I may issue an update later tonight.

Here are four words that will make you change the radio station - "Up next: Yoko Ono."

Cooper did want breakfast at 6 AM this morning. So I fed both him and Jazz and then went back to sleep for 2 hours.

Does anyone else find the following statement disturbing?
"Just throw him on top of the pile of corpses."

Possible update later.

The rest of my day will probably be spent drinking.

Vacation Day 4

2008-07-03T19:45:00.003-04:00

Today I woke up around 7 AM because my cats wanted me too. I fed them and went back to sleep for another 90 minutes.

I didn't do much during the day except download porn. Most web sites put new material out on Thursdays to beat the weekend rush.

Later in the day I went to The Men's Warehouse to pick up my new pair of pants. When I walked in the door I was amazed at the number of customers. I never thought the day before July 4th was such a big suit-buying day. I had to wait about 15 minutes before anyone was available to help me. I gave the guy my sales slip and he returned with my pants. He asked if I would like to try them on and I said yes I would. I went into the changing room and put on the pants. They fit pretty well but seemed a little long. I could tell that the pants were long because I was stepping on them with my heel. I left the room to see myself in the mirror. The guy that brought me my pants had gone off and was helping another customer. After about 5 minutes he came back. I told him that my heel was stepping on the pant and that I would like to try a pair of dress shoes to see if that would change anything (I had worn sneakers today). He asked what size shoe I wore. I wanted to tell him 11, but I had to settle for 8 and 1/2. I don't think he gave the right size shoe because I could only fit about half my foot in it. He yelled to someone in the back "I need a pair of 9's!" and left to help another customer. I said outloud, "What is going on here?" But of course, nobody was around to hear me. I waited another few minutes until someone came from the back and asked who needed the 9's. I raised my hand and she handed me the shoes and went back from wherever she came from. I put the shoes on and checked myself out in the mirror again. The pants were definitely too long. Again, several minutes passed before anyone came by to help me out. He measured the pants. I went back to the changing room to change clothes, fully expecting to emerge from the room and find no one waiting for me. I was pleasantly wrong this time. He took the pants from me and said they could alter them right away, but it would take 20-30 minutes because they were so busy. I had several other errands to run and told him I would have to come back. He gave a customer pick-up slip and I went on to my other errands. I finished up my errands and called The Men's Warehouse after I returned home. I asked them if they were busy and I was told they were very busy. I thanked him and hung up. I guess I'll have to make a special trip on Saturday to pick up the pants.

I just re-read what I wrote. I am an extremely boring person. If they ever make boring an Olympic sport, I'm guaranteed a gold.

The rest of my day was not spent drinking. Thursdays are amphetamines day. I'm doped up.

Vacation Day 3

2008-07-02T20:16:00.004-04:00

This is a picture of my deck.

I had a guy came over to replace some rotted wood. Basically, the steps. which were a half-moon shape and ran the length of the deck opening, and one of the floor slats were rotting away. He said he would be at my house at 7:30 AM. He didn't show up until 9:30. Now, 7:30 AM has to be pretty close to the first appointment of the day. I was thinking to myself, "How does one because 2 hours late for the first appointment of the day?" And he never even called me to explain why he was late. Turns out he had a 6:00 appointment and then had to go to the lumber yard to pick up the boards for my deck. However, the lumber yard was so backed up he decided to come over to my place and remove the rotted wood and then go back to the lumber yard to pick up the boards. Turns out it was a good thing he did that because he would've picked up the wrong size board for the replacement slat. He would have brought a 1/8 inch thinner board. He finished the whole thing by 5 PM and he was the only one here. There is a slight gap on the left side where the steps meet the concrete, but the runners are flush against the cement, so I'm not sweating that. He does have to come back though, because he didn't get to the shrub pruning I asked him to do 2 of my shrubs in the front yard. He said he had to come back to Clawson tomorrow for another job and if he could fit it in he would stop by. If not, he'll get to it early next week. He charged me about $300 to demolish the old steps and haul the wood away and about $800 to put in the new steps and floor slat. Does that sound like a decent price? I have nothing to compare it with. When he first presented the costs to me, the $300 was written down as "demo/haul". I thought that meant that he was going to build the steps, show them to me and if I didn't like it, he would charge me $300 and take them away and I wouldn't have to pay the other $800. He had to explain that "demo" meant "demolition" and "haul" was to haul the rotted wood away. I felt kinda stupider than normal at that point.

The rest of my day has been spent drinking.

The Lost Cosby Kid and Vacation Day 2

2008-07-01T12:30:00.018-04:00

Left to right: Mushmouth, Russell, Rudy, Fat Albert, Bucky, Bill, Dumb Donald and Weird Harold.
Anyone missing?

Do you remember this:

"Hey, Hey, Hey, it’s Fat Albert!
And I’m gonna sing a song for you
And Bill’s gonna show you a thing or two
You’ll have some fun now with me and all the gang.
Learning from each other, and while we do our thing…

Na Na Na, gonna have a good time."

Yes it's the theme song to Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids. A few weeks back, some friends and I were reminiscing about Fat Albert. Did you know there was a lost Cosby Kid? He was only in the promotional cartoon made before the show went on the air. His name was Sackmouth. He was born with 2 testicles in his mouth. Fat Albert would say, "Hey, Hey, Hey. What's up, Sackmouth?" And Sackmouth would always say, "I can't talk. I've got 2 balls in my mouth" at which point, the testicles would pop out of his mouth and dangle against his chin. Sackmouth would then push the balls back into his mouth because it was just gross to see 2 balls dangling on a guy's chin. I believe the voice of Sackmouth was provided by Morgan Freeman, but I could be wrong. Anyway, the advertisers didn't think Sackmouth would be a good selling point for their products, so he was written out of all the episodes that actually aired. I'm thinking that Sackmouth got punched in the jaw and became Mushmouth, but I could be wrong there too.

I picked up my dry cleaning today. It got me to thinking about what martinizing is again. I started thinking that it maybe some guy named Martin in the back of the shop jacking off on suits going, "Yeah, there's your 'Martinizing', baby. And there. And there. And there, too. Yeah." Again, your suit comes out all stiff and shiny. Like metal. I guess 'simonizing' could be construed in the same way.

Yesterday, I fucked a hamster. By accident.

Friday is Woosiepaloosa 2008. Every July 4th one of my friends, we'll call him "Glenn", has a barbecue get together at his house. It's a lot of fun, what with the drunken croquet, drunken bocce, drunken basketball and drunken fireworks ("More Boom-Boom!"). Did I mention there'd be alcohol involved? Every year I make a CD of older songs from the 60's, 70's and 80's for "Glenn". Unfortunately, I don't keep a record of what songs I burned onto CDs for him over the years, so I'm probably going to give him all duplicate songs one of these years.

The rest of my day has been spent drinking.

Advice From Your Ol' Uncle Lowell...

2008-07-01T12:27:00.005-04:00

Don't masterbate with 60-grit sandpaper.

Just don't.

Vacation!

2008-06-30T17:27:00.004-04:00

Today I started a week-long vacation. I went to The Men's Warehouse because I had several coupons that expire on July 3. Two of them were for 10% off and the other one was for $25 off. I didn't know if they could all be used together or you could only use one at a time so I took all three. I was told I could only use 1 coupon/visit. Since the total of my purchase was about $130, I used the $25 off coupon because that was more than 10% off ($130 * 10% = only $13). I then went to One-Hour Martinizing to get a pair of pants dry cleaned. What is Martinizing anyway? And why does it only take one hour? I can't pick up my pants until after 5PM tomorrow, but martinizing can be done in 60 minutes? I don't buy it. I always think if I get my pants martinized, they'll come back all stiff and shiny. Like metal.

The rest of my day has been spent drinking.

George Carlin

2008-06-23T22:12:00.006-04:00

Favorite George Carlin quotes:

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts?" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Always do whatever's next.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

The status quo sucks.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Think off-center.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

And finally, Baseball and Football:

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball and football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park! Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet. In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it? Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty. In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick. In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness. Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog... In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch. Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings. Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness. In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

Rest in peace, Mr. Carlin.

My Second Blog

2008-06-17T20:31:00.006-04:00

Well, I was able to upload photos today. I am so happy. The picture of myself in the About Me section was taken some 24 years ago. I would've published a recent picture of myself, but I couldn't find one that wouldn't scare the kids away. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to lure kids to my blog. NBC Dateline has seen to it that kids don't like to be lured these days.

Here's a funny little clip I found on the web somewhere that has absolutely nothing to do with my discussion. Despite what it looks like, this is not animal porn:

My First Blog

2008-06-16T19:11:00.003-04:00

This is my first blog and already I'm pissed. I started to configure the site and one of the options is to upload a picture. And every one I tried to upload failed with the message "This image could not be uploaded due to an internal error."

Now I'm getting depressed...